


Let's Just Talk

by Stormcutter13



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Language, Past jaspis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, its not current sh though, lapithyst, theres some fluff in there too i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 21:32:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7239265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stormcutter13/pseuds/Stormcutter13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amethyst keeps Lapis company when she can't sleep. Things get heavy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Just Talk

**Author's Note:**

> i wouldn't read this if you're easily triggered by self harm (cutting) or rape  
> the rape is just a flashback though!

“FUCK YEAH!” Amethyst whooped, and the television screen displayed a bright victory banner.

Lapis groaned and flopped backwards onto a beanbag.

“Gee Lapis, I thought you said you were good at video games.”

“Okay, to be fair, it’s hard to use a controller when you’re eating an eggroll.”

The two girls were sitting on the floor of Lapis’s apartment, surrounded by several empty boxes of Chinese takeout and piles of pillows.

A clock said it was midnight; Amethyst was one of the few people willing to stay up with her when she couldn’t sleep. Getting her ass kicked at video games was far preferable to the nightmares. This situation didn’t happen often, but it was nice to have somebody to call who she didn’t have to wake up. Amethyst usually slept during the day, and she was always awake when Lapis called. That she could rely on her girlfriend rather than a platonic friend made it all the better.

“You up for another round?” Amethyst twisted to face her, “Or do you wanna see if we can find the shittiest rom-com on Netflix?”

“We did that last week,” Lapis grumbled, “And you fell asleep and made me finish it by myself.”

“God, you’re right! That was awful,” Amethyst laughed, and butterflies fluttered in Lapis’s stomach, “Do you really blame me for dozing off?”

“Nah. But pick a horror movie this time, it’s hard to sleep with people screaming in the background.”

While Amethyst fiddled with the remote, Lapis shoved some of the pillows onto the couch before heading to the kitchen. If her neighbors didn’t mind tinny screams from the television at this late hour, they shouldn’t mind the sound of popcorn popping. Once the last stubborn kernels had popped, Lapis slathered on the butter. She preferred it dry, but Amethyst would probably eat more of it anyways.

When she returned to the living area, Amethyst was curled up in a blanket on the couch. She’d paused the movie at the beginning, and proudly announced that it was rated one and a half stars. Lapis sat down next to her, and Amethyst immediately grabbed a fistful of popcorn. 

On the screen, a young, blonde actress was running upstairs.

“Oh, c’mon, everybody knows that’s the worst thing to do!” Amethyst yelled at the television, “Hey lady, ever think about running out of the house!?”

“And I’m sure you would be thinking logically if some creep with a butcher knife started chasing you,” Lapis chirped.

“Damn right I would,” she grinned, “I’ve been training for this shit my entire life! That, and the zombie apocalypse.”

Lapis couldn’t help but snicker at that, and Amethyst wolfed down more popcorn.

Nearly an hour later, by the time Lapis was sure she’d seen the contents of at least five bottles of ketchup, all of the popcorn had been eaten, Amethyst’s comments slowed, and she leaned her weight against the other girl. She was warm pressed against her side, and Lapis could feel her heart beating steadily. It felt nice. It felt safe. Lapis hadn’t felt this safe in a long time. She looked down at the chubby girl, only to find out that she was already looking at her. Lapis blushed, but didn’t look away.

There was a pause, punctuated by the quiet shrieking from the television. After a moment, Amethyst leaned into Lapis, until only a few centimeters separated their lips. Lapis could feel her warm breath on her mouth. Her brain screamed at her to _do something dammit_ but she couldn’t move. She felt like she was swimming through molasses as the other girl gazed into her eyes. Wow, she thought, Amethyst had beautiful eyes, brown like the color of melted chocolate. She had long eyelashes too, that almost brushed Lapis’s cheeks.

It was Amethyst who broke the silence, asking in a breathy voice, “Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” Lapis sighed, and Amethyst melted into her.

The first kiss was soft, gentle, hardly more than their lips brushing against each other. Slowly, their kisses deepened as their lips met and parted in a sort of dance. Amethyst continued to lean into her in some attempt to get closer, to kiss her more fiercely, but Lapis simply fell back onto the couch. Both of the girls laughed, and Amethyst blew a raspberry on Lapis’s neck, sending them both farther into hysterics.

After she’d caught her breath again, Amethyst repositioned herself on top of Lapis, kissing her as they lay on the couch. It was a slow, syrupy kind of makeout, with each kiss soft and sweet. Amethyst paused for a moment and smiled against her lips, before shifting so she could lay with her hips against Lapis’s. She started to feel a warmth pool in her gut, just above where Amethyst was resting. It only got worse when Amethyst started to press her soft, full lips against her neck.

Suddenly, she felt a sharp pressure, and Lapis whined as the other girl bit her neck lightly. God, that was so hot. _Amethyst_ was so hot. Especially where she was now, straddled on top of Lapis’s hips. Her lips meandered down Lapis’s neck, tracing a path with her lips and tongue, and occasionally sucking and nibbling. If she’d ever doubted before, Lapis was definitely gay.

Amethyst continued down her neck, and Lapis melted into her touch. Her hands traced shapes and words and pictures on the larger girl’s back. _I love you_ , she traced in curving letters while Amethyst nibbled at the base of her neck. Then she moved down further, softly pecking at Lapis’s clavicle. Lapis instinctively gripped her harder, pressing herself into Amethyst’s soft lips. Amethyst giggled against her skin. Her fingers wandered to the edge of Lapis’s shirt and gently brushed her side. Lapis shifted slightly, and Amethyst pulled away to look at her.

“That wasn’t too much?” She asked.

Instead of responding verbally, Lapis reached to where Amethyst’s hand had been a few seconds before and hastily pulled her shirt off. 

“I guess that’s a ‘no’ then,” she said with a mischievous, almost hungry look in her eyes.

Lapis reached up and pulled their lips together, briefly running her tongue along Amethyst’s lower lip before letting go and whispering, “Not enough, actually.”

As Lapis leaned back into the couch cushion, Amethyst crawled forward to meet her lips again. She felt Amethyst’s tongue slide between her lips, and in a moment of giddiness, she reached her legs up and wrapped them around the other girl’s waist. Amethyst paused for a millisecond before nipping her lip. Lapis’s toes curled at the sensation and she gripped her girlfriend’s hips tighter, causing her skirt to pool in ripples on the couch. 

Lapis tangled her hands in Amethyst's hair, the long locks wrapping intricately around her thin fingers. It was so soft, almost fluffy, she marveled. Lapis's own hair was rough, damaged from too much dye and chlorine. This was a nice change, especially so considering the circumstances.

A shudder ran up her spine as one of Amethyst's hands brushed the side of her chest. More, she wanted more. As if reading her mind, Amethyst tore away her lips from Lapis's, and began sprinkling kisses down, down, down. A peck on her neck, quick, hasty to move on to better things; a softer, sweeter kiss on the curve of her clavicle; a longer press just above the edge of her bra, and Lapis swears she feels Amethyst's tongue flit out from between her lips for just a second. Lapis considers unhooking her bra, because god, Amethyst is _so hot_ , but she's already moved on. Down, nibbling at her belly button, causing Lapis’s hips to roll involuntary. Amethyst smiled against her skin, and shifted lower, oh my _god_ she was moving lower, and she brushed her hand against Lapis's thigh and pressed a soft kiss to her inner thigh, and Lapis breathed a soft moan, and... Amethyst stopped. God, why had she stopped _now_?

And then Lapis remembered. How could she have forgotten? The subtle burning ache-no, not _there_ , in the thin lines on her legs. Lapis had never made any attempt to hide the scars on her legs, and although she'd seen her competitors gawking at her at swim meets, she'd never minded before. This, though, this was different. It didn't help that the cuts she could feel Amethyst's eyes on were fresh, still red and puffy. How could Lapis had been so _stupid_? She'd told her girlfriend that she had major issues, and that ptsd was one of them. Lapis had had her fair share of "relationships" that had ended over the sentence "I'm mentally ill" and she didn’t have time for a girlfriend who wasn’t able to accept that. Amethyst had said she'd had problems too, but these weren't words, these were hot red lines carved into her skin.

“Lapis…” no nickname, that couldn’t be good.

Suddenly feeling self-conscious, Lapis hurriedly sat up and tucked her legs back in the folds of her skirt, hugging them tightly against her chest. She couldn’t think of anything to say, so they sat in silence. What was there to say? Amethyst made her happy, of course, and happier than she thought she’d ever been, but how could she explain? There were no words to describe it besides “addiction.” She couldn’t expect Amethyst to understand; actually she hoped Amethyst wouldn’t understand. She didn’t want her girlfriend to comprehend that kind of hurt.

Without saying anything, Amethyst reached for… her own shirt? Lapis didn’t understand until the clingy fabric was flung to the side, exposing dozens of soft pink lines across the soft, dark skin of Amethyst’s stomach, crisscrossing over stretch marks. Oh.

They were definitely older, made months or maybe years ago, but they looked dangerously wide. Silently, Lapis reached out and brushed her fingers against the soft skin. Ame brushed her fingers against Lapis’s before intertwining their hands.  
“How long have you been cutting?” Amethyst asked gently.

Lapis paused before answering slowly, “Since middle school. I was the stereotypical emo kid.” She’d hoped Amethyst would laugh at that, to ease the tension in the air, but she didn’t.

“I started in high school,” Amethyst’s voice shook slightly, “Enough people called me fat that I started to think it was a bad thing.”

Silence fell between the two of them for a moment, thick with unsaid words and pity for each other.

“Hey, don’t look so blue,” Amethyst broke the silence, and Lapis couldn’t help but chuckle at her reference to her hair, “It’s no big deal, I understand.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t actually,” Lapis turns her head away from Amethyst’s gaze.

Her words hung in the air between them for a moment. Lapis mentally kicked herself. She should just drop it, it’s not like she was going to be able to say anything of value. Then her train of thought was interrupted as Amethyst tackled her to the couch in a pile of hair and limbs. She was about to protest slightly, but Amethyst wiggled her fingers against her side and holy shit it _tickled_ , and within seconds Lapis was a giggling puddle as Amethyst blew raspberries on her flat stomach.

Lapis laughed until tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and the muscles around her stomach ached. It was a first for her. Both of them giggled breathlessly and Amethyst fell on top of her, quite literally taking her breath away. The two girls lay still for a few minutes, each enjoying the warmth from the other’s body. For what was probably the millionth time that week, Lapis marveled that a relationship could be this much _fun_. That yes, every relationship needed work, but that the work was more than worth what she got in return. This was good, she thought, this was worth it. Even just lying underneath her girlfriend, feeling her breathe, was so _nice_. 

A tiny voice whispered inside Lapis, _what are you waiting for_? Not needing another sign, she shifted slightly and buried her face in Amethyst’s neck, delivering tender kisses and relishing the feeling of Amethyst leaning in to her lips. More, Lapis still wanted more, but she didn’t want to make her girlfriend uncomfortable. Where was the line between too much and not enough? Lapis pulled away slightly and rested her forehead against Amethyst’s shoulder.

“Are you okay with this?” the smaller girl mumbled.

“Hm?” Amethyst seemed surprised, “Well I’ve known I was gay since I was 10, so yeah, I’ve come to terms with kissing cute girls for the rest of my life.” 

The smile in her voice was evident even if Lapis couldn’t see her face, and she let out a breathy laugh, “What I meant was that you’ll tell me if you’re uncomfortable, right?”

“Of course,” Amethyst rested the side of her head against Lapis’s, “As long as you promise to do the same.”

“I promise!” The words made her heart pound. She decided the reaction was because she’d never been with Amethyst so intimately before. Lapis loved dinner dates, holding hands during movies, and spending sleepless nights innocently with her. She was nervous, though. But Lapis loved Amethyst, she would be fine. She hoped.

Amethyst shifted so Lapis could remove her head, then sat up. Lapis couldn’t help but be acutely aware of where Amethyst came to rest on her hips. Lapis hesitated for a brief moment before she reached behind her own back and unclasped her bra. The other girl’s eyes widened before she crouched over and gently grasped Lapis’s bra with her teeth. Lapis noticed that she looked almost like a cat dragging away her prey.

Flinging the thin lacy garment to the side, Amethyst planted a soft kiss on her breast. Then another. And another. Lapis sighed softly. This was nice, just to be touched so tenderly. This was new, and she liked it. Amethyst took Lapis’s vocalization as a sign, and gently took her nipple between her lips and bit down ever so slightly. A soft cry slipped from between Lapis’s lips, although a part of her internally flinched at the noise.

“You okay?” Lapis could hear concern in her voice, and nodded her head in reply. No, she would be fine. Why wouldn’t she?

Soft lips pressed down on her breast once again. It was a long, steady kiss, a sort of reassurance. Lapis was safe. The lips moved back to her nipple, this time sucking lightly. Lapis’s nerves were acutely aware of everything, of the soft sheets against her back, Amethyst’s hips pressing down on her own, the cool air pressing in on her wherever Amethyst wasn’t, and the hot wetness between her legs. Of course, she was also extremely aware of every movement of her girlfriend’s lips, and of every time her tongue lightly brushed her flesh. It was almost similar to… no, not now. This wasn’t anything like that. Lapis shook the memory away. 

The bed shifted as Amethyst moved a hand that had been supporting herself upwards, lightly brushing Lapis’s side. She shivered as Amethyst’s thumb briefly caressed her other breast. Then the hand continued down, gently touching her stomach before resting on her hip. 

Lapis's mind felt like it was stuck in sweet, sticky syrup. All she could think was _Ame, Ame, Ame_. Her warm breath against her bare chest, her moist lips against Lapis's skin, her thumb pressing into her skirt. Pressing, pressing, pressure deep on her hip. This wasn't entirely comfortable, but she didn't want to make Amethyst move. What if she left entirely? Then her hand moved lower, brushing her inner thigh and no, no, no Lapis _definitely_ didn’t like this and-

 _She couldn’t breathe. not even enough to choke out the word "no". This wasn’t Amethyst anymore, it was_ her. _It was the woman Lapis couldn’t even refer to by name. She didn't want this. She didn't want_ her. _Lapis didn't want_ her _touching her like this. She was afraid though, terrified of what might happen if she pushed_ her _off of herself. She could practically feel_ her _fingers closing in on her throat. It was just rough sex, wasn't it? Wasn't this how it always was? Lapis didn't like it, but she didn't even have the courage to say no. She was afraid, afraid, afraid of_ her _and-_

Lapis was back with Amethyst. She didn't remember moving, but she was curled in on herself, and her eyes felt puffy and wet. A voice floated through her head, but it took her a second to register that it was Amethyst speaking.

"Hey, Lap, are you okay?" Concern flooded through her words, "I didn't mean to-"

"No." Lapis sniffed, "I mean, it's not you. I... I'm sorry."

"What?" She looked surprised at the apology. "Hey, you don't need to be sorry. I just wished you'd told me that you weren't okay with this."

Despite her worried look, Amethyst didn't move to physically comfort her. Lapis appreciated the space. 

"I thought I'd be fine, I..." she hugged her knees to her chest. A tear slid onto her cheek, "I'm sorry, it's not you," Then, in a much softer voice, "Please don't be mad,"

Amethyst's breath caught softly, "Lapis, why would I be mad?"

She didn’t answer. Lapis didn't even have an answer for herself. Her short nails dug into her knees, and it hurt. Good. 

"I promise I'm not mad at you. I..." Amethyst paused and bit her lip, "I like you a lot, and... ah, fuck it. I love you, Lapis."

The words echoed in her ears. _I love you Lapis. Lapis. Lapis._ When was the last time she'd heard that sentence directed at her?

Her grip on her legs loosened. Lapis knew she was supposed to say "I love you too" but she couldn’t muster the strength to speak. She did love Amethyst; why couldn't she just say so? 

Instead, she let her legs fall to the side and opened her arms. Thankfully Amethyst understood, and scooched closer, pulling her into a hug. It felt warm; it felt safe. Then Amethyst pulled the other girl onto her lap, and Lapis rested her head against Amethyst's shoulder. For a minute they sat in silence, quietly listening to each other breathe. Then Lapis tried to speak.

"I..." her voice came out as a soft squeak, and she inhaled deeply before continuing, "I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> maybe one day i'll be able to write something other than angst  
> i hope you enjoyed it anyway!


End file.
